COMICS

Bait Shop Funnies:  Prick

Okay, so it's not exactly a comic book...but Scott Von Doviak and I co-wrote a gals & guns screenplay called PRICK, and I Flash-animated this intro for a web cartoon version we never had time to finish...although the project may soon resurface in a different form entirely.  

 

Until then, however, you can play along at home (and practice your ADR skills!) by reading the pages below in time to the video above!  (And if you actually record it, send the audio file to me at baitshop3@aol.com and I'll add my favorite soundtracks!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PRICK

by

Andrew Osborne

&

Scott Von Doviak

 

FADE IN

 

CLOSE UP on something fleshy, floating in a mason jar.  You hope it’s not what you think it is.

 

FANCY (v.o.)

I had a jarring experience with a prick named Mason once...but that’s nothing compared to a prick in a mason jar.

 

FANCY - a tough white trash chick with no front teeth, sporting a snakeskin cowboy hat and a black eye – catches the jar, nodding to someone we don’t see.

 

SUPER:    FANCY

 

FANCY

Right...let’s do this.

 

SMASH CUT TO:

 

INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

 

Earlier that same evening.  Fancy (now sans black eye and missing teeth) lies on top of the covers drinking a beer, dressed in a hotel bathrobe and her ever-present hat.

 

SUPER:    3 HOURS AGO

 

FANCY

Are you a cop?

 

A buff, muscular STUD stands at the end of her bed, dressed in a revealing mesh tank-top and tight leather pants.  A caption tells us this is, in fact, the MASON she was talking about.

 

MASON

Are you?

 

FANCY

If you say you’re not a cop and then you bust me for this, it’s entrapment, right?

 

MASON

I’m not a cop.

 

Fancy tosses a wad of bills at Mason.

 

FANCY

Me neither.  Now whip it out, bitch.  

 

Mason bends over slowly to pick up the money, giving Fancy a nice view of his tight ass.

 

CLOSE UP on Mason pulling a .38 from his boot.

 

Mason whips around, pointing the gun at Fancy.

 

MASON

You shouldn’t talk to men like that.

 

FANCY

Hey, hey, hey!  You said you weren’t a cop!

 

MASON

This ain’t a bust...it’s a robbery.

 

FANCY

Oh, c’mon, man!  I’m on vacation!

 

Mason moves cautiously over to her open suitcase (on a rack near the window), keeping the gun trained on Fancy.  Rifling through her belongings with one hand, he comes across a gigantic bag of weed.

 

MASON

Looks like a working vacation...

 

FANCY

That’s for personal use!

 

Mason stuffs the weed in his pants, then comes across a ridiculously huge .357 Magnum hand-cannon.

 

MASON

That’s the trouble with you women...always overpacking.

 

FANCY

My dear departed mama taught me to shoot with that gun...I really wish you wouldn’t take it...

 

Mason unloads the Magnum, dropping the bullets on the carpet, then tosses the gun to Fancy.

 

FANCY (CONT’D)

Thanks.

 

MASON

You should thank me for taking the weed.  This town is tight as a drum...first offense for dealing without permission gets you a poke in the eye with a red-hot poker.  Second offense...BANG!

 

He pretends to shoot Fancy...and suddenly, his own chest is RIDDLED WITH BULLETS!  Mason screams, tumbling backwards through the plate-glass window behind him.

 

WHIP-PAN over to BABS in the doorway, 9mm smoking.  She’s the Louise to Fancy’s Thelma, a hot-headed redneck with anger-control issues.

 

SUPER:    BABS

 

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

 

 

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BART SIMPSON'S JOKE BOOK

1995: It seems I scripted an Itchy & Scratchy story for Bongo Comics at some point, although my memories of this one are pretty hazy.

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