COMICS
Bait Shop Funnies: Prick
Okay, so it's not exactly a comic book...but Scott Von Doviak and I co-wrote a gals & guns screenplay called PRICK, and I Flash-animated this intro for a web cartoon version we never had time to finish...although the project may soon resurface in a different form entirely.
Until then, however, you can play along at home (and practice your ADR skills!) by reading the pages below in time to the video above! (And if you actually record it, send the audio file to me at and I'll add my favorite soundtracks!)
PRICK
by
Andrew Osborne
&
Scott Von Doviak
FADE IN
CLOSE UP on something fleshy, floating in a mason jar. You hope it’s not what you think it is.
FANCY (v.o.)
I had a jarring experience with a prick named Mason once...but that’s nothing compared to a prick in a mason jar.
FANCY - a tough white trash chick with no front teeth, sporting a snakeskin cowboy hat and a black eye – catches the jar, nodding to someone we don’t see.
SUPER: FANCY
FANCY
Right...let’s do this.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Earlier that same evening. Fancy (now sans black eye and missing teeth) lies on top of the covers drinking a beer, dressed in a hotel bathrobe and her ever-present hat.
SUPER: 3 HOURS AGO
FANCY
Are you a cop?
A buff, muscular STUD stands at the end of her bed, dressed in a revealing mesh tank-top and tight leather pants. A caption tells us this is, in fact, the MASON she was talking about.
MASON
Are you?
FANCY
If you say you’re not a cop and then you bust me for this, it’s entrapment, right?
MASON
I’m not a cop.
Fancy tosses a wad of bills at Mason.
FANCY
Me neither. Now whip it out, bitch.
Mason bends over slowly to pick up the money, giving Fancy a nice view of his tight ass.
CLOSE UP on Mason pulling a .38 from his boot.
Mason whips around, pointing the gun at Fancy.
MASON
You shouldn’t talk to men like that.
FANCY
Hey, hey, hey! You said you weren’t a cop!
MASON
This ain’t a bust...it’s a robbery.
FANCY
Oh, c’mon, man! I’m on vacation!
Mason moves cautiously over to her open suitcase (on a rack near the window), keeping the gun trained on Fancy. Rifling through her belongings with one hand, he comes across a gigantic bag of weed.
MASON
Looks like a working vacation...
FANCY
That’s for personal use!
Mason stuffs the weed in his pants, then comes across a ridiculously huge .357 Magnum hand-cannon.
MASON
That’s the trouble with you women...always overpacking.
FANCY
My dear departed mama taught me to shoot with that gun...I really wish you wouldn’t take it...
Mason unloads the Magnum, dropping the bullets on the carpet, then tosses the gun to Fancy.
FANCY (CONT’D)
Thanks.
MASON
You should thank me for taking the weed. This town is tight as a drum...first offense for dealing without permission gets you a poke in the eye with a red-hot poker. Second offense...BANG!
He pretends to shoot Fancy...and suddenly, his own chest is RIDDLED WITH BULLETS! Mason screams, tumbling backwards through the plate-glass window behind him.
WHIP-PAN over to BABS in the doorway, 9mm smoking. She’s the Louise to Fancy’s Thelma, a hot-headed redneck with anger-control issues.
SUPER: BABS
TO BE CONTINUED...